Fred Wemyss

I wrote this last January or February and posted it. I'm pleased with it, so I'm going to re-run it every now and then...


Sinlessness

by

Frederick Wemyss

"What do you think?" said Eve, holding the apple in her hand.
"Bite it, bite it!" said the snake, but Eve just kept walking toward Adam.
"The snake says I should bite this," said Eve.
Adam looked up from the pear patte he was making. "Isn't he droll?" Adam said.
"You think so," said Eve. "I think so. But the snake takes himself" (and here she leaned in toward her mate and whispered loudly) "very seriously!"
Both Adam and Eve laughed. Eve threw the apple hard. It smashed against the apple tree and Adam and Eve heard the snake slithering away in the rocks and leaves.
"Do you think pear-paste wrapped in fig leaves would taste good?" said Adam, after plucking another apple and throwing it at the snake's rattle (which he hit.)
"Well," said Eve, "There's nothing says it wouldn't."
With that, Eve tore some fig leaves off the fig tree and handed them to Adam. Adam, using a clam shell, scraped the mashed pears off the flat surface of the boulder he was using for a table. He put dollops of pulverized pear in the fig leaves and rolled two treats.
"Eve," said Adam, as he and Eve took bites of the tasty treats, "Do you realize we are unparallelled chefs?"
"Absolutely," said Eve. She grinned. "You know, the snake can't even eat this stuff. He has to eat flies!"
"Loser," said Adam.
"Isn't he?" said Eve.
They laughed and laughed, shaking their heads.
"What should we do with the two extra fig leaves I picked?" said Eve.
Adam snatched one up from the table, let it flutter to the ground and kneeled on it. "It would make a great prayer rug," he said.
Eve took the other fig leaf from the table. She held it out to the side and Adam charged. "O-ley," said Eve, "O-ley!"
Then they ran all over the Garden of Eden, snapping the fig leaves at each other after dipping them in the little spring. Every animal they passed was mystified.
Suddenly the snake hissed at them from between a deer's antlers. "Apples," he said. "Apples."
"None for me," said Adam.
"Me neither," said Eve.
Adam snapped his fig leaf on the snake's head, which stunned the snake for a second. Adam and Eve ran to the top of a rock.
"He has no sense of humor," said Adam.
"I know," said Eve. "And this THING he has with the forbidden fruit--"
"You know what's ironic?" said Adam. "He couldn't eat forbidden fruit if he wanted to, but he desparately wants you to have it."
"As if I'm going to eat forbidden fruit!" said Eve.
Both Adam and Eve raised their arms up and shook their heads.
"I think he's a little afraid of me," said Adam. "He thinks he'll persuade you to bite an apple and that you'll get me to try one."
"What a skunk," said Eve.
"You know what?" said Adam.
"What?" said Eve.
"I've had a little plan for a while."
"Oh, don't tell me," said Eve.
"You know what it is, I bet," said Adam.
"I bet I do! said Eve.
Without a word, Adam and Eve set about their happy task.
They stood up, looked left, looked right, saw the snake coiled up in his favorite palm frond and tip-toed past. Snickering, they crossed a stream and walked into a little forest.
With jagged tools made from rocks, vines and wood, Adam and Eve spent several hours making a boat. They tied the boat to a maple tree and placed it in the stream.
"It floats," said Adam.
Eve tested the rope. "It's secure," she said.
They picked up a giant shovel they'd crafted. They walked across the stream again, tip-toed up the hill past the snake and didn't stop until they reached the apple tree.
With patience, devotion and strength, Adam and Eve dug up the apple tree and carried it, roots and all, down the hill past the serpent, who still slept on the palm frond. With their burden they entered the forest and reached the stream. They placed the tree in the boat.
Adam tipped the boat with his hands. The boat rocked and the tree rocked with it. "It's snug," Adam said.
Eve cut the rope and the craft drifted down the stream.
Adam and Eve ran along the banks as the stream widened. They ran past rocks, mountains and beasts. Great fish swam beside the boat. Birds followed its course from above. Adam and Eve kept up with the boat until the river was so wide they could not even see each other. But from the bank Adam chose, he could see the branches of the tree sticking out from the boat in the vast body of water, and from the bank Eve chose, she could see the other side of the boat and the branches sticking out.
When the boat went over the edge of the falls, leaving nothing behind but the pinkest sunset Adam and Eve had ever seen, Adam began walking back and Eve began walking back. By the time they could see each other on opposite sides of the river the moon was up, and by the time they reached the place from which they'd launched the boat which took away the apple tree and all its fruit, the moon was beamed lustre on their embrace.
They lay under the palm frond that night. It was not as low to the ground as it had been earlier, the snake having vacated it, but its breadth was enough to shield the lovers from any rains. Adam and Eve slept so well they didn't notice if there had been rain or not, but when they woke, all the creatures of Eden were around them. Adam and Eve felt tremendous love for all Creation.
Next, they were aware of a slithering sound.
"Oh, him," Adam and Eve said at the same time. The various beasts and bugs jumped as the snake darted under their feet. Back and forth he went, his tongue slipping in and out. "Where is it?" he said. "Where is it?"
Adam, sitting on a log with Eve, said, "He doesn't even stop to hear the answer."
"Good," said Eve.
All day they sat on the log, wiggling their toes in a shallow pool a rhinocerous dug for them with his horn. They listened to a giraffe chewing the top leaves of an oak and patted the little chicadees which had alighted beside them on the log. And they watched the long, twisting entity which had tried to tempt them to eat apples traverse Eden inch by inch, up and down, back and forth, every which way until he started up Eve's leg.
"You're a pest," said Adam, gripping the snake under the jaw. He held the snake in front of him, its mouth opening wide and its tongue protruding. "What do you think, Eve?" said Adam.
Eve stuck her hand in the snake's mouth and as he started snapping it shut she forced her other hand in and soon was ripping the snake in two, all the way down to its whirling rattle.
"An excellent response, my dear," said Adam, and they cooked the tempter over a fire built for them by lightning bugs.
"Are you hungry?" Adam said, skewering a piece of burnt snake.
"Not for him," said Eve.
"Me, neither," said Adam.
Adam threw the piece of snake back on the fire and he and Eve watched the snake burn until he was nothing but smoke.
"Well," said Eve, "That's done."
"Adam?" said a voice. "Eve!" the voice added.
Adam and Eve looked up with a sense of glee. "Well, hello, Lord," they said. They got off the log. Adam saluted. Eve curtsied.
"Why do you curtsy?" said God, "When you have no dress to lift?"
"What?" said Eve.
"Adam," said the Lord. "Must you salute with more than just your hand?"
"What?" said Adam.
"I wouldn't look down if I were you!" said the Lord.
Adam and Eve looked down, first at themselves and then at each other. They gasped.
As the two grabbed fig leaves off the nearby fig tree, the Lord said, "How dare you eat of the apple?"
Covering his loins with a leaf, Adam said, "I didn't eat an apple."
Covering herself, Eve said, "I did not eat an apple."
"Neither of you can make it any better by lying," said the Lord.
Adam and Eve looked around at their friends the woodland creatures and felt preyed upon.
"Lying is wrong," of course," said Adam.
"Yes," said Eve. "It's wrong."
They both said, "But we haven't lied."
"Did I not command thee both not to eat of the fruit of the apple tree?" the Lord asked.
"Yes," said Eve.
"What?" said God.
"No," said Adam. "I mean, yes, you didn't NOT command us--"
"Yes," said Eve, covering her breasts with her forearm, "I mean, 'No, you didn't NOT command--"
"Okay," said God, instantly materializing in front of Adam and Eve. "Stop looking up! I'm right here in front of you."
Adam and Eve looked at God.
God paced three feet to the right, retraced his steps, kept going on another three feet, retraced those three feet worth of steps, turned to face Adam and Eve and said:
"I speak in metaphors."
"We know that," said Adam.
"We know that," said Eve.
"And yet you took what I said literally."
"When?" said Eve.
"When I said not to heed the serpent."
"What about when you said not to eat of the fruit of the--?" said Adam.
"Yes," God said, "You literally thought I meant you couldn't eat apples."
"Well, wasn't that good?" said Adam.
"Yes and no," said the Lord.
Adam saw a bit of Eve's left nipple and had to hold his fig leaf with both hands.
God went on: "Ladies and gentlemen of the Jury."
"What?" said the couple.
"Metaphor! Pretend you're on trial."
"AREN'T we on trial?" said Eve.
"You've been tried, judged and found guilty," said God.
"So we're on trial," said Adam.
"Trial's over. You're punishment began the moment you dug up the tree."
"But that was the happiest moment of our lives," said Adam.
"No it wasn't," said Eve. "The happiest moment of our lives was when I ripped the snake in two."
"Adam," said God, "Were you not the first to stick the shovel under the apple tree, Eve merely following suit?"
"Yes, Lord."
"And you thought you both thought it up at the same time."
"Yes," said Adam.
"Well, you didn't. You were happier about it than she was, because it was YOUR idea. Now, Eve, when Adam had the snake by the neck--"
"Snakes have necks?"
"The part under his head!"
"Okay, Lord."
"When he had his hand gripping the little viper's windpipe...Are you going to question 'windpipe?'"
"No."
"Okay, you thought he wanted you to kill the snake."
"Yes."
"Well, he didn't. He just wanted you to slap the snake's face."
"But when I ripped his face open, it was the happiest moment of our lives."
"'Fraid not, Toots. It was the happiest moment of YOUR life. Adam was a little nauseated. But he put a brave face on it."
"You're lying!" said Adam and Eve.
"No," said God. "Adam thinks I'm lying about what Eve thought and Eve thinks I'm lying about what Adam thought, but Adam knows I'm telling you exactly what he thought and Eve knows I'm telling you exactly what she thought. Answer me: On the night of the day you dug the tree up and shipped it into God knows where -- I being that God who does indeed know where -- Did you not, on that night, which was the night before you killed the serpent -- Did you not have sexual intercourse?"
"No!" said Adam and Eve.
"Why do you lie?"
"We're not lying."
"Yes, you are."
"No."
"Yes."
"What's wrong with sexual intercourse?" said Adam, puffing his chest.
"Yes," said Eve, her chin sticking out, "What's wrong with it?"
God smiled.
"Yes!" Adam exclaimed. "I had relations with her!"
"Yes!" said Eve. "I had relations with him!"
"So?" asked God.
Adam and Eve looked at each other, then at their feet and then at God.
"And yet neither of you says that was the happiest moment of your lives! Interesting."
"Why shouldn't it have been the happiest moment of our lives?" said Eve.
"Yes," said Adam, "Why shouldn't it have been?"
"I should ask you two that. Now," said God. "That was the first time you two did that."
"And the only time!" said Adam.
"So far!" said God. "You could have done it any time before."
"So we were obediant before having intercourse, but not afterward?" said Eve.
"What interests me is that you didn't have sexual union before uprooting and disposing of the apple tree."
"Don't dispose of the apple tree, with anyone else but me," sang Adam sarcastically.
"Bet you didn't know that song until you tried to get rid of temptation," said the Lord. "Did you?"
"I can't remember," said Adam.
"I can assure you, mortal, that you didn't. But now that you've eaten of the fruit of the tree of knowledge, you know a little bit about everything. Even the future."
"But we didn't eat the apple."
"You didn't eat it, but you couldn't leave well enough alone. You wouldn't have destroyed the tree if you felt strong enough to resist its offerings. And once the source of temptation was seemingly removed from your universe you destroyed the creature I told you to ignore, which was doubly foolish because, in your mind, the thing he would have tried to tempt you to eat, that is, the apple, was absent."
"So what does this have to do with Eve and me attaining orgasm with each other?"
"Well, Adam, while you told yourself that you and Eve thought up the dispatching of the apple-tree, it was your idea, which you got her to carry out with you. Feeling, then, that you had power over her, you then felt she would yield to you sexually. Eve, when you did indeed yield to Adam sexually, you felt this gave you power over him and that he would let you destroy the snake, who, with the apple tree gone, could be an annoyance only, as opposed to the threat he was before the tree was removed. So, your night of mutual orgasm was not, as it should have been, a night of mutual giving, but actually a nocturne of enacted bargaining."
"Well, if you know so much--" said Adam.
"Yes," said Eve, "If you know so much--"
And together they said, "Make another snake and we won't listen to him and create another apple tree and we won't eat from it. We'll show you how much you know about us."
"I know something you don't know," said God.
"No you don't," said Adam and Eve.
Suddenly they no longer saw God standing in front of them.
"Where'd he go?" they said. "What does he know?"
A grove of apple trees was there now. Snakes slithered everywhere.
A voice boomed, "To show you I know everything, I've restored the apple tree tenfold and the snake a thousandfold. And if you want to see me, look in places you doubt exist. In nine months, less a day, you'll know what I know now that you don't now know."
"And then we'll know everything?" said Eve hopefully.
"And then we'll know everything?" said Adam, looking at a cloud which had just evaporated.
Amidst the snakes and apples and Adam and Eve, the Lord maintained his silence.
The day the baby was born Adam knew the truth. "Eve," he said, as the newborn suckled at her breast. "He's only a few hours old but I know what God knows!"
"Oh?" said Eve. She burped the baby.
"Yes, Eve. Remember looking at the boat going off into oblivion off the edge of the water-fall?"
"Yes," Eve said.
"Well, we were at the top of the waterfall, right?"
"Yes."
"And that was the edge of Eden."
"I assume so, yes."
"And we were looking West, because the sunset faced us."
"Yes."
"Well, I think we were looking Southwest."
Eve put the baby in the cradle. "That's what God knows?"
"No. Now, we weren't physically removed from anyplace, but we were metaphorically removed from our innocent Eden because God put up all those apple trees and installed the snakes."
"Obviously."
"Well, don't you see? That was our honeymoon. That was Niagara Falls!"
"Thrilling."
"That's not the point, Evie."
"No?"
"No! The direction we were looking. We were on the North side!"
"And?"
"We're Canadian!"
"Well, sort of pre-Canadian, yes."
"No, Eve! It's good news! Given the locale, we'll NEVER be responsible for Bush!"